Musings of a Lousy Budhhist...

Apologies……

It has been so long since I blogged……I need to be more prolific, if anything for my own sake, instead of this…..blog bingeing?

Not to mention, I noticed a few people started following me….wow.  I am faltered and feel somewhat obligated to be more diligent in recording my inner thoughts, as unimportant as they seem to me, a few have taken note.  You know who you are and I thank you…..

I have come to realize that there is a power to putting thoughts “down on paper” to take the intangible and make it tangible in some form.  Thoughts are elusive but when recorded in whatever fashion, whether it be by pen or keyboard, they enter the physical and gain substance.

They become Matter AND matter, every pun intended.

I know my ramblings tend to be erratic at times and the grammar could leave something to be desired but this is not a thesis.  I simply convey where my thoughts lead me, with attention to spelling only - the rest is unimportant.  The need to communicate in the nothingness of cyberspace. Period.

So much has happened and yet nothing at the same time. I lost my job seven months ago and with no promising aspects are on the horizon, I am at a loss as to what to do.  Normally, I would have had a job by now but there is nothing and I mean nothing out there.  I can’t get a job and McD’s or pumping gas…..that’s rough.  That college degree is only worth the paper it is printed on, ergo…..nothing.

I am hoping to volunteer at a local museum, just to get out of the house and still feel like a functioning member of society before I go bonkers being in the house all the time.  Yes, I can only play so much Xbox and watch anime before I start losing it….never thought that was possible.

Yes, I am still an asshole and “he” is sill living here…sigh.  My reasons are my own and I thought I had come to terms with them for the most part, I think.  I still bothers me so have I really owned them?  If I have, why does it still bother me?  Guess I haven’t completely and I need to or make changes to rectify it.

Bottom line…..living with him is tough but living without him is Hell.

But I digress…..he involves so much back story…..20 years of old history that I can not begin to fathom how to explain, let alone justify my actions to myself or anyone for that matter.  I will address it, just not here in mid thought but it is something that needs to be recognized. 

I did take on another boarder to help make ends meet and at least she pays rent and on time - Amen.  I am holding the wolves at bay for the time being, however my financial situation  is still dire yet stabilized for the moment. 

The irony is its his friend…ah yes…bad enough you ignore me when we were living here alone but now you can shower her with all the attention I am starving for in-front of me and in the comfort of my home, lovely. 

Do I hate her - no…..its not her fault. 

Am I jealous…yes, screaming livid irrational harpy jealous and I detest myself for it. 

It bothers me, such a vile, base emotion, I am not some love sick schoolgirl so why do I succumb to this negative emotion? 

I guess, despite my higher reasoning and logical assessments of the situation, fight as I may to rationalize, I am still human and victim to all the encompasses, even the less virtuous emotions.  As much as it pains me…

Okay……so, now he tells “her” that he is annoyed because she invited me out with her on Friday night with some of her friends and that was their night to stay in and play games.  Hold on…..

1.  She lives her now - every night can be game night - get over it.

2. And this is what bugs me the most - it has nothing to do with me spending time with her…..it is the fact she is spending time with me and not him.  I am not important - I am the X variable in the equations, she is the constant. 

He scolded me before she moved in that I needed to make an honest attempt to get along and be social. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it.  I told him I was jealous, however I would make every attempt to get along, my emotion hang up was my problem not hers. 

Actually, since I confessed that to him before she moved in, it does bother that much anymore.  It does rear its ugly head fairly infrequently but it is not the constant simmering angst I did experience.

Again there is a power to putting it out there… the intangible to the tangible.

That’s enough for today, this purging can be emotionally draining at times, I will continue more soon.  I really need to go into the back history but that is going to take a lot of time and energy.

Yeah…still an asshole.

I need something to pull me out of this funk I am in - still haven’t talked to him…yeah I know I am an asshole.  I just don’t even know where to begin and the last thing I want is a big emotional blowout. I just cant handle that right now.

I have enough to worry about with work without dealing with this crap at home.  I just feel like I have no place “safe”.  I have my own personal Hell wherever I go.

I think I was okay because I knew I was going on vacation and  I had something to be excited about and look forward to so that made me happy.  Now, I have well nothing.  I got to work and I am on edge and stressed, I come home to a stack of bills I cant pay and messages left by bill collectors, compiounded by his pissy attitude, I just go in my office and hide.  I bought this huge freakin house and I live in two rooms, my bedroom and my office.  Shit, I cant even watch tv unless it is on my laptop….FML.

I don’t know how to start the conversation without sounding accusing or attacking him.  Bottom line - get a job or move out, you have until January 1st - that is all.

Don’t rent to friends - it screws up the friendship. After all is said and done, a very large part of me just wants him to leave, just pack up and go.  But man I will miss that dog, I love that dog. 

I know this we will never be friends again, he left many years ago and I don’t know what alien took over his body but I wish with all my heart my friend would return - I haven’t seen him in at least 10 years and I miss him.  Loved that man, would do anything for him and I did, I supported him through everything, every stupid decision he made and it just really hurts, that I am treated with no respect, complete disregard and something bordering disgust. Just makes me want to cry….

I am SUCH an Asshole…..

I am…I really am.  I have been trying for 2 days to get the balls up to talk to my roommate about getting a job or moving out and I realized…I am a eunuch.  I have NO balls….period.

Part of my brain is still reeling over the mere fact I need to have this discussion.  It seems so common sense to me, it just blows my mind - still.  Combined with the fact I am a totally pussy and cant get the courage to stand up for myself just makes me so mad at ME.

I just have to do it…but what am I so afraid of? What?  I know I am right, I am not being unreasonable, so why am I crapping my pants?  I think the fact I let him live here so long without paying anything is the crazy part. 

I am so just mad at myself right now……

Getting back to Me….

Yeah, I know it has been awhile….been busy.  Feeling much more like my irony self again.  The problems are still there but I came to a few conclusions and getting depressed about it doesn’t fix it. 

Yes, I understand we need to go through the process sometimes and now I am on the other side of it, not depressed but more tactical?  Let me explain, after I got off the pity pot, I sat down and looked at the situation and came up with the “Plan of Attack”.  Having some possible solutions, did some tough mental calisthenics and made some difficult decisions…having a plan makes me feel better.  Granted, I still need to act on the tougher ones but it is in progress. I came to the reality - you are either part of the solution or you are part of the problem, which side of the equation are you on?  Enough said…

The time to be nice and holding peoples hands is over, my supportive, nurturing nature is being taken advantage to my own serious detriment and that needs to stop.  I hate, detest and despise handing down “ultimatums” but I see no other recourse the polite suggestions and frank conversation didn’t work - time to take off the kid gloves and time to do some tough love.  I don’t have the energy right now to go through the lenghty drawn out story so I will quickly recap…

I buy a house, 9 months later friend moves in, friend does not pay rent or any bills consistently, quits job and goes back to school and refuses to work while in school, living off of student loans - still does not contribute to household expenses consistently.  Graduates college, cant find job and has been watching TV for 17 months. Did I mentioned I co-signed one student loan that has since defaulted and tanked my credit? Therefore, I can not refinance my home. He has been unemployed since 2005. 

I have gone through two layoffs, I am working but my income has dropped down to almost half what I was making almost three years ago. Savings in gone, 401K cashed in and bills are piling up to the point they are gong to turn off my phone, gas, electric & for the first time ever I cant pay my credit card bills.  There is a real possibility this time next year, I will have lost or will be in the process of losing my home.  

Most of all it hurts, a friend someone I considered my BEST friend, someone I have known for 18 years would do this. I would be pumping gas or delivering papers if I had to, especially if someone co-signed a loan for me so I could continue my education.  I would make damn sure I took care of that.  His parents send him money every month, how much I do not know but at the least I would ask them - please pay this one bill, if not it will really screw her over. 

But he still can buy beer, cigarettes and has gas money…..wtf?

Just, very hurt, angry, upset and disappointed….it has been a long time coming, I hate confrontation but I have to do this, if not I lose everything.

I almost want him just to move out period, just pack up, take what you want - I don’t care, just go.  But there’s the dog.  Yeah, it is “his” dog but I buy the food, pay the vet bills etc.  I take equal responsibility in this day to day care but I have also had to take on the financial responsibility of this animal.  The dog is on a host of medications and needs special expensive food.  Combined with the stray cat he rescued, I DID NOT want another cat.  Again, more pet food, more vet bills. But oh dear God, will I miss that dog….that will break my heart something awful.  I am crying just thinking about the puppy not being here.  Damn, I love that dog.

I feel like I am staying in a bad marriage for the kids…

He does not talk to me at all.  Period.  When I do try to talk to him, he acts annoyed - like I am bothering him.  So polite conversation or any communication whatsoever is gone.  We are no longer friends, just two people cohabiting in the same space.  When I mention this, he is genuinely surprised, he sees nothing wrong nor does it bother him.

Which leaves me to one conclusion, friends do not do this, therefore you have been demoted down to a roommate that is not paying rent and/or household bills and you will be evicted. 

But the bottom line is - get a job or move out.  If you can not contribute to house bills, I will rent your room to someone who can because the alternative is we are both homeless and in the end, I have nowhere to go. No going home to Mom or Dad - I really have NOWHERE TO GO.

Just sad….I love him, would do anything for him but he needs to get up and take care of his responsibilities.  I am hoping this will force him to take action not just for me but himself also. He has to got to get off the couch and get out in the world, be a contributing, functioning member of society already.

My Muse needs Prozac…

Leave me to my delusions

for they are the only thing that bring me comfort anymore.

the world beyond my door is too harsh and it hurts

this small space is all I have left of my sanctuary

staring at the threshold of my door

the rest has eroded away and a gaping wound is left in its wake

here in the cold quiet, i leave me behind and turn myself inward

turning my mind inside out and letting it engulfing me

external becomes internal and the rest fades to nothing

here I am loved

here I am beautiful

here I am happy

here I have hope

I beg you…..please

do not disturb my inner reflection

do not muddy its waters by trying to talk to me

you don’t understand and I don’t care

leave me alone in my inner sanctum

this alcove within my mind

I have cloistered myself for sanities sake

self preservation in a vain attempt to forget

if just for awhile

even if it is a lie

leave me to my delusions

for they are all I have left.

Feeling Emo today…..

This is not a feel good post today sorry  had a rough day and alot is on my mind.

When I was very young, I was still optimistic and an Idealist, in a sense we all were. 

Then we get older and time starts taking its toll, and not just gravity and UV rays.

Things happen to you when you are growing up and becoming a young adult, your hopeful, trusting, an open book, wearing your heart on your sleeve. 

You really, truly believed you could grow up, go to school, work hard and become the doctor that cures cancer, the first astronaut to Mars. Whatever it was…whatever you heartfelt aspirations were, you felt them to the core of your being and they electrified you, made you vibrant, more than alive – a pulsating aura.

That feeling, I can’t label it and I try but I vaguely remember that feeling.  I look back at that time and feel like it is more of an out of body experience, me watching me but it really isn’t me? 

Got it!  I know what to call it – Perspective Virginity.  Once it’s lost it is gone and you never forget who or what took it.

I see it in the younger generation and I want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them, ranting “Don’t lose it and don’t let anyone try to take it away from you!”

I admire it, envy it, jealous they still have it and sad because I don’t think they realize how easy it is to lose it.

Maybe, it is all a part of growing up but I never wanted to lose that feeling, the time before you felt…well….beaten.  

In reality…..yeah, no - sorry you didn’t cure cancer or go to Mars. 

So when someone or something pops your Perspective Virginity I call it…..The Death Of A Thousand Cuts.

999 things happen to you, they can be big things or little things but they all chip away at that protective barrier of naïveté that has been surrounding you since you were born.  Maybe the first one is discovering Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy were your parents or you in reality you could NOT pull quarters out of your ear.

Nevertheless, you ALWAYS remember cut 1000, the blow the finally broke everything and it all came crashing down around you.  The world in that instant became very harsh and grating with hard sharp edges.

Yes, it is all a part of growing up but I never wanted to lose the optimism, the time before you felt…beaten.  That is how I feel, so very tired and beaten.  Like life has beat the crap out of me and left me in the rain.

And sadly, I think I am too young to feel like this.

God or Dog?

Okay, here we go…

I am by my own admission a lousy Buddhist.  I was raised a Christian but find the formal Christian doctrines incredibly hypocritical and border on theological propaganda. I do believe in God, hope there is a heaven, and when I leave this world, I will be able to see family and friends that have passed before me.  

However, I do believe in reincarnation, that when we do die we pass onto another form of existence. The rub is we do not remember the life just passed so we are destine to make all the same mistakes again and relearn the lessons.  The adage if I knew now what I knew then, we would all be perfect beings and that is karmically speaking….cheating…the trick is to do it all in one life time, good luck.  The wheel keeps turning and with each rotation, I can only hope I get a bit better each time.

Yet, I do not think that to reach a state of Nirvana I need to transcend emotions and that life is suffering. Yes, Life can be suffering but that is not all - there is so much more to it and not all of it is hardship.  I believe in karma very strongly, I believe we are all connected on some level spiritually and all life is sacred.

Nevertheless, on the same token, I am at the top of the food chain and I like the view, why yes…I will have the steak - thank you, yes…medium rare.

And on that note…I am going to go get something to eat…..

Purpose….

Why I chose to trying blogging I am not sure. Well, that is not entirely true, I am to poor to buy a camcorder and vlog.  Also, it would destroy to whole anonymity thing.

I wanted to share my thoughts and ideas with no one but place then out in the open for all to see. A kind of distorted literary voyeurism, I suppose. To be able to bare all and yet reveal nothing under the guise of anonymity, to share tiny epiphanies and explore the unanswered questions, with all the understanding and feedback equivalent as talking to my cat.

However, it would be spoken and said out loud for nobody to hear, but I guess in the end the purpose is to get it out of my head, it just seems like it is running out of room.

Moreover, for my own selfish reasons to vent and rant at the world.  Scream at a blank wall to my hearts content just to get it all out….

My thoughts tend to get on a demonic hamster wheel as of late; I lay in bed wide-awake, thoughts spinning with no purpose or destination until I get so restless, I get out of bed in a vain attempt to find something to amuse myself with, anything to stop the cerebral squeaking wheel.

Not sure where to begin now that I have established for myself (at least) the why? The who, what, where and how is going to be a bit more difficult. Trying to compose all these thoughts without having it gush out in s stream of nonsensical mental babble.

I contemplated for a time whether I wanted to keep my blog androgynous however, I think that would defeat part of the blogs original purpose to be a stream of consciousness.

I am a female and very much identify with being a female both mentally and physically.  It is who I am and colors my view and perspective on how I perceive the world around me. So there…I am woman - hear me roar.